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Aug 27

Clem Fandango

8 comments

Edited: Nov 3

 

Clem in the woods at sunrise. His first week here.

 

Feeling pretty, might microwave a Hot Pocket later, IDK.

 

Name: Clem Fandango

Nickname: "Tripp"

Race: Human

Gender: Male

Age: 50 (but some of those years were spent in a relativistic anomaly, so he looks 30ish)

Lives: Wailing Rock, in the woods.

From: Bar Harbor, Maine

Education: He knows he has degrees in computer science and communications.

Occupation: None. Living off a pension. Freelance DJ (court ordered)

Marital Status: Legally married to Gran Fandango; spiritually? It's complicated.

APPEARANCE:

Height: 6’

Build: Athletic

Hair: Brown

Eyes: Blue (well, the one that still works)

PERSONALITY:

Clem Fandango's personality depends on 1) time of day, 2) the proximity of alcohol, 3) the proximity of his partner, Gran. For the first, he is grumpy and growly in the morning if you see him on the street. At bars and clubs, he is enjoying the prospect of his next drink while consuming the one in his hand, and if Gran is around, he's like an over-excited, love-struck puppy.

Once you get past these superficial markers, Clem has a dry sense of humor and an amused, almost frightening thrill about being in a place weirder than Castle Rock or Arkham. He is pretty much an introvert until you add alcohol. At that point, he either becomes a generous host or a total dumpster fire. He is trying to keep the latter under control by staying home, enjoying the company of his friends, and figuring out why the hell he ended up on this island.

WHAT HE HAS ON HIM:

  • A bronze medallion around the neck that makes all non-humans uneasy about it and what it might do if activated or messed with.

  • A beat-up black leather wallet containing a few fives and an Enterdyne National Bank Visa card.

  • A wedding ring.

  • Usually a leather-bound journal or novel.

  • iPhone X

 

RADIO FREE WAILING ROCK

Clem and Gran are recording their adventures in Wailing Rock as a podcast (NEW EPISODES AIR ON KILN RADIO SATURDAY EVENINGS TBD):

**RADIO FREE WILING ROCK IS ON HIATUS DUE TO RL SCHEDULE CHALLENGES**

Episode 1 (PILOT) WTF AM I DOING IN THE WOODS?!: https://youtu.be/J7QgxHjySlQ

Episode 2 "Apparently, I'm Dead.": https://youtu.be/77vRbohACUk

Episode 3 "Apparently, I'm A Retired Monster Hunter and Married?: https://youtu.be/WZroEdHjr7o

Pre-Full Moon Special: https://soundcloud.com/user-70000455/rf-wailing-rock-full-moon-special-report/s-Jt4qF

Post-Full Moon Episode Delay Announcement: https://soundcloud.com/user-70000455/rf-wailing-rock-post-full-moon/s-pcSS2

Episode 4: "An Existential Crisis and Using Christian Rock to Interrogate a Vampire": https://youtu.be/tpEa_Xk_NK4 Episode 5: "Apparently, Clem is Deranged and the Cat Doesn't Like Him" https://youtu.be/zL7-IGH0Mis If you have news, events, stories, or songs you'd like to hear, message him in-world.

BACKSTORY:

First, if you see this creeper, invite him to eat a bag of soggy hog quim. And then RUN.

Clem arrived via ferry after it arrived in Wailing Rock. He was bounced by one of the operators of the ferry who thought he was drunk. Really, Clem was drugged and his last memory was being in a pub among friends in a small Bar Harbor Tavern. He had no idea how long ago that was. It might have been hours or maybe even months.

Wandering town, he thought for a while he was on one of those New England artist colonies until he realized the sun was going the wrong direction. As the hours passed, he found himself in the woods and a campsite with available cabins. A red one caught his attention with a familiar-looking symbol painted on the front wall and a letter pinned to the door by a Swiss Army Knife with his name on the facing side.

Clem learned from this that the person who brought him to Wailing Rock did so in order for him to "lay low for a while." And the interior was littered with type-written pages of some indecipherable academic subject, a few cheap furnishings and five cases of warm beer.

At this point, Clem is not so interested anymore in figuring out who he was. He's met that floating asshole farting green smoke carrying a book ...and doesn't need to do so again. He's met people who bring him into the now and make him feel like a decent human again.

That's not to say his first few nights weren't rough.

UPDATE: Following an encounter with the aforementioned asshole floating in a green fart cloud, Clem had to be "healed" and in the process, regained some of his memories.

Clem was once a member of a secret society of monster hunters and recently "retired" by them so he could finally enjoy life. This was an involuntary retirement and the details behind that decision are still unknown, but as far as the outside world is concerned, "Clem Fandango" was the victim of a carjacking in Bar Harbor that ended with him being tied to a tree, stabbed, and left to be consumed by the animals of the Acadia National Park.

 

 

 

 

 

 

They say I have a face for radio...

Following an encounter with the aforementioned asshole floating in a green fart cloud, Clem had to be "healed" and in the process, regained some of his memories.

Clem was once a member of a secret society of monster hunters and recently "retired" by them so he could finally enjoy life. This was an involuntary retirement and the details behind that decision are still unknown, but as far as the outside world is concerned, "Clem Fandango" was the victim of a carjacking in Bar Harbor that ended with him being tied to a tree, stabbed, and left to be consumed by the animals of the Acadia National Park.

 

I was 12 years old when they killed Belushi at the Chateau Marmont. I know because I was in the room when the two succubi stabbed him in the navel with a syringe full of heroin. I couldn't do anything about it. It wasn't just that I was 12 and had no power to stop two demons from doing whatever the hell they wanted, but that one of the demons had already slammed me across the bedroom into a dresser, nearly breaking my spine.

Outside, in the sitting room, Robin Williams sat motionless, eyes peering into the void as the drugs carried him on his own journey. It was my first "job" with the Hollywood Vampires and I remember waking in the hospital, surrounded by nurses watching Belushi's funeral on the news in my room. I remember thinking "It's my fault he's dead. The world's greatest demon slayer is dead because of me."

 

 

Gran, LITERALLY sitting on the mixing board.

 

You are a fluke of the universe...

 

 

I learned to play Dungeons & Dragons with Alice Cooper, Robin Williams, Sammy Hagar, and dungeon master to the stars Finn Fineman. I played a generic fighter. My first module? Tomb of Horrors. Robin played an evangelical cleric named Roofus the Gleeful and play stopped for long stretches as Father Roofus testified and tried to convert every kobold, creeper, and slime we encountered. Around three in the morning, Sammy's Magic User rolled three consecutive crit failures trying to save himself from a living pit of spikes, including a Save vs. Death. He died horribly and Sammy literally tossed the table, ending the session abruptly.

 

From then on, I played weekly, even on the road with Alice Cooper and his band. I had no idea someone could make a good living as a professional dungeon master. Finn went on the road with us and I heard a rumor he was pulling in $95K to write and direct a fantasy campaign. Finn was also a script doctor who did polish passes on Oscar-bait (he spells it "Oscarbate") feature films.

NEW EPISODE! RADIO FREE WAILING ROCK Episode 4: "An Existential Crisis and Using Christian Rock to Interrogate a Vampire": https://youtu.be/tpEa_Xk_NK4 Also, RFWR is moving to YouTube due to space restrictions. The trade off is there are tougher (C) issues, so the links are unlisted and I have two instances where the sound had to be changed. (EPISODE 3 is processing at this hour and may not be available until they swap some generic jazz for Jimi H.) Check the descriptions for details. Please remember to LIKE and SUBSCRIBE so my life can have some meaning. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC3t-7b_VHA-hijwdI77maiQ/videos

 

NO NEW EPISODE THIS WEEK! That's right because Gran and I are planning their overdue HONEYMOON to a nearby island owned by an old friend of mine. Lou Caskin busted his ass on the road for over 40 years and helped write some of the greatest rock songs ever recorded. He got the idea to buy an island in the Pacific Northwest back in 1983 when a bunch of us went to see the movie WarGames and he is living his dream with his wife Duraltia on 300 acres of lush, pristine forested hills. Out of the blue, Lou contacted me, congratulated Gran and me on the unexpected marriage and offered to put us up for a whole two weeks in his island hunting lodge. IMAGINE! Two weeks without monsters, demons, and blood-suckers (that don't exist). Gran and I can't wait. We'll be broadcasting "live" from the island via Internet the weekend before All Hallow's Eve so you can share our reception party with us. I am ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that nothing can go wrong with the two of us on a remote island in a stormy fall season where we can only come and go once a day, assuming the weather is clear enough for air or water travel. :)

Radio Free Wailing Rock is on hiatus. Thanks to folks for their support. Real Life is eating up all my spare time as a major project ramps up. Thanks for your support.

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